Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
