awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
