I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
