That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
