Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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