You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
