I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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