I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
