Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
