You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
