You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize