I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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