apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
