yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
