i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
