he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
