neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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