She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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