I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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