Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
