And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
