i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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