Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
