did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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