Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
where are my eyebrows?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
