Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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