I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
