did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
