So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
