I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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