he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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