**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize