Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
