I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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