Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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