you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
