I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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