i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
