Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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