Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
