...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
