You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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