I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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