he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
