I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
