I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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