Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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