I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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