How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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