SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
