i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
