im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
