God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
