i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
