I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
