I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
