Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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