i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
