Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
