There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
