Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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