My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
