shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
