Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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